Nitpicking

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The Energy of Rape & Assault

May 23rd 2011 02:28

I had a realisation the other night that though we can cope with the emotional effects of sexual assault, we often don't realise that this person can leave energetic traces in our bodies that still influence us.

I often feel pressure on my body/mind that doesn't seem to be connected to anything and when I sit and tune in, I see that it's not mind but his. This person who assaulted me has left his mark, well and truly. It's weird that I can cope with what happened, but feel hysterical when I sense his energy around me. There is a double bind here - that it's not just what he's done but what he's left behind.

Well, I can't say more than that, other than the only way to clear it is to just meditate through it - giving it all back to him, telling him that you are no longer wearing his issues, but opening my life up to better things now.

There is something about clearly coming back to our own connection with self or communicate with self that let's it all go off into the ether!

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Posted By: Theresa - Category: No Category

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Money issues

January 12th 2011 07:37

I suspect that many people who have experienced any kind of sexual assault have money issues - there is often a need to self-limit through anger after such an event.

I have read and experienced just how much I need to limit myself through shame and fear, and only now 12 years later am I beginning to unravel it. I can't believe how little faith I have in myself... such a catastrophic event to have occurred. But I'm fine, I tell myself. It's just my outward facing life - lack of money, need to push people away and the like, that provides a little perspective on how fine I really am.

What's weird I guess is also how successful I am beginning to feel. My blog posts, though sporadic, really do unravel heaps of stuff for me. Just writing, as I do - whatever comes to mind - helps me dig into the subconscious and pull out what limits me.

I am in a strange space of being very limited and completely unlimited right now - I hate people sometimes, but love them intensely too. I have nothing but I have everything. I am calm and completely crazy. Maybe I am just human!!! LOL!!!

I guess I am wondering today at the deeper anger that I hold within. The parts that see my attempting to control my space so much that I don't reach out to people as I once might have. Or the ways that I am weary when I am around people. Then again I also suspect this is a good thing. I have very much shifted my perspective of people. I don't want to judge people without any reason, but then I do already.

So strange this place I am in tonight. I feel that I am shifting a lifetime of confusion by releasing I am ok regardless of how stupid I feel...!! "Getting myself into that particular situation" hasn't proved to have limited me - not now that I am talking about it anyway. Not now that I am listening to those parts of myself that were scared before it happened. I guess that the biggest part of this for me, is not just what happened but what happened afterwards.

That I had to shut the incident out of my mind for so many years because I couldn't possibly let my mother find out, or my father...

It's strange because I would not have told them, but I felt they would just know. So my wonderful saviour-mind just buried it. How intense though that I would be more scared of my parents finding out than of dealing with it. I remember very clearly understanding what had happened and that I needed to get help from someone. A friend came to mind, counseling came to mind (thank God for Dolly Magazine for telling me counseling was required in such situations and that it was ok, it wasn't my fault!!) but then the thought struck. If I attempt to deal with this, my mother will know that I am upset about something and she will hurt me even more than what just happened. I zipped it up so effectively that I didn't remember for 3 years.

The friend who I had originally thought of telling, turned out to me useless to me when I did eventually tell her. That sounds really harsh and is probably indicative of my anger at her still - she wanted me to do something about it because he might be harmed other women. I don't regret this view, but I didn't know his name so that wasn't helpful. It was also complicated, he was a guest at a wedding of someone I was then friends with. Do you drag it down to that level?

I wonder how much I really blame myself as I write that last sentence...

Anyway, she pushed me and I now dislike her a great deal. I haven't spoken to her a long time but she suddenly out of the blue contacted me this week... so strange. I don't feel a connection with her anymore even though we had known each other 20 years. Maybe that will change. But I feel this real, social pressure to be a good, respectable person and accept her offer of a coffee once again. But I can't do that. I don't like her anymore.

Our friendship dissolved when I got into spiritual work and found that I wanted to do anything I could to keep her out of this space I had developed for myself, I didn't want her there at all - It was mine, damn it. She wasn't welcome. I found at that time that so many of my friends seemed to be taking so much from me that I had to protect my spiritual work at all costs - I just cut them out of my life.

Jesus, how much had I given to them?!!! I really despised them of this. But I found myself pulling away from this particular friend, and tried to explain to her that everything in my life was shifting. I didn't want to cut her loose, I owed her something, I felt. But then she turned on me and accused me of something completely random. What a bitch!

She turned up on my doorstep at 7am, and made her accusation saying that I was different and that I wasn't allowed to say what I had said about her boyfriend...(I hadn't been aware of saying anything about her boyfriend, but there you go) I told her she was in deep need of healing - probably not helpful considering she didn't appreciate my perspective that there was something wrong with her and not just me!! She left after I told her I needed time to think and I didn't contact her again. Another friend (the one and only who survived that particular cull), the apparent recipient of my horrid comments about the boyfriend, told me that she had been contacted with the same accusation had been thrown about again, which this wonderful friend swiftly denied.

I don't know but why on earth would I want to be friends with her again? Preceding this particular event I had been very aware of her anger at me - the backstabbing and the craziness - and of my real need to protect myself from her. What had she been doing that I need protection of. I wasn't even sure until more recently...

She demanded everything for her and never ever gave back what I gave her. A product of her upbringing I am sure, to be so selfish. However, I had been so completely fucking blind to this particular trait in people that I surrounded myself with them... all of my friends only ever thought about themselves. I wonder if I did that/do that?? Or was it that they needed me because I gave so much to them and asked for nothing in return. Certainly the case with my mother - she aggressed me, my clothes, my choices at every possible change and I didn't complain (yes I dislike her too - though I kind of forgive her now too... it's a time- needing process that one).

So, guess I'm angry...

Right now I want to send that friend a 'fuck-u' email but might wait it out - they never seem to work out for me. She may well have a reasonable need to rage at me too, and that just wont work out for my anger - it needs the last word...

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Posted By: Theresa - Category: No Category

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What a Word means

January 9th 2011 03:08

I've been thinking about the word 'rape' and how useless it is as a healing tool...

It is loaded with so many connotations and meanings that it tends to impair healing of the event rather than allowing meaning and hope to flow through. It is an overwhelming word that should be used with caution!

Instead we need to think about what the word actually implies - a whole series of things involved in the actual event, that when broken down may be more manageable to deal with. Such as:

control of
power over
manipulation
physical pain

These things, to me, are easy to understand because they are definable and make the whole incidence seem less and less scary. I can see that whilst this person had control over my space for a moment that control is no longer there - it was a moment in time that is now resolving itself.

If on the hand I just focus on being 'raped' - I hate to use the word - I am completely overwhelmed. I feel emotional, horrible and useless...mostly because the term rape implies that it was my fault in some way, maybe I didn't "ask for it" but I somehow I should have been more careful.

Maybe I should have but that's hardly a useful point to dwell on. I can beat myself up, inother words, by using hard to manage words about what happened to me or I can just let it be what it is - control, manipulation and pain. These words have a resolution and very specific meanings in term of the event. 'Rape' is a word, on the other hand, to explain an event that most women are blamed for getting themselves into.

Being careful how we phrase our circumstances in life is just so important. If we throw what happened to us into this basket of meaningless banter and social connotations we cannot fully heal.

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Me...

October 26th 2010 12:26

Hmmm... so I've been guided back to my blog...

What to write? I have long felt guided in what I do even before the whole psychic thing came into play, I felt that I was being led somewhere - as a child and a teenager there was a sense of resilience behind my life that I didn't understand or actively use but something that just kept pushing me along

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Things are changing

March 23rd 2010 02:32

I've seen a lot in the past few months. One of the reasons that I started this site is because I felt I had a lot to nitpick about... I did and I am beginning to see the reasons for it.

One thing I have learned is the importance of nitpicking - not just for the sake of picking at self or others - but a focused approached to unravelling life. It feels a bit like nitpicking at everything at times, but the usefulness of it is that I understand myself more fluidly now. Not completely, but I can see the linking of one incident to the next and how that has affected my full life cycle

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Small things - not big lies!

July 8th 2009 03:50

A few small things to share:

- the goodness in life is within: it's not what has, might or 'should' happen to you

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Working out the inner-child

July 4th 2009 12:51

After last night's post I have realised a few more things... it's amazing how this process of writing and sharing can help to release the knowledge that had been built up under the system and not yet been seen.

Many of the issues I'm facing right now stem directly from that inner-child part of me that never had the chance to be fulfilled. The emotional destructiveness of my situation has meant that I haven't been able to fully grasp knowledge and information to share with myself. As such, my inner-child tends to block projects that I, as an adult, recognise that I can gain fulfillment from. I have spent a good part of the last 10 or 12 years trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life. I'm now in the process of setting up my own business but am completely unable to let myself just go with the flow of it. I have to keep jamming it up so that I am not making any money and therefore cannot let go of the admin job that is faux-security to that child part of me.. it has my parents approval after all. This work is something that my parents thought I should aspire to. It's mind-numbingly boring and soul destroying (why can't they see this?). I can't seem to let go of the fact that I will disappoint them if I step out on my own and go through with my business... I know they wont approve of the core of my business and they have real problems with the hardwork of being self-employed even though they are

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Thinking more about it...

July 3rd 2009 07:41

I think, further to what I said in my last post, that it's more than losing your voice... it's about losing your state of being - losing your place in the world. It's such a strange thing to go through - it's sex and it's power - but the effects of these two things together are much greater than the sum of their parts.

I don't actually understand it, not fully anyway. I think it's a space of being so far outside yourself that you can't quite get back in. Like this person has pushed you - your essence - out of your body - so they can get what they want. They don't actually care about you and aren't afraid to make that known. Their emotional needs come first and yours are not being considered. I want to make a case in this blog for the idea that rape occurs on many levels - not just physical but also psychic or energetic... because I can see links from my childhood experiences through to the actual assault... and I'm sure I'm not the only one that has been through this process

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Independence: Losing one's voice

June 11th 2009 12:59

I think one of the hardest things that happened to me, through my sexual assault, was losing my voice. Not just because I couldn’t tell this guy to back off but because I couldn’t tell anyone what happened either. It was a fairly conscious choice not to tell, made under duress.

What I mean is that I, in the aftermath, made the decision that I wouldn’t tell anyone because I didn’t feel that I could trust them not to blame me, especially my Catholic family… after all I had let this guy into my hotel room in the first place – that certainly doesn’t make me virtuous – more likely a ‘whore

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Posted By: Theresa - Category: No Category

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Rape and Suicide

May 13th 2009 04:33

I have been reading about the woman who was allegedly sexually assaulted by a number of NRL players in the past couple of days and I think something needs to be said here: I know how she feels.

Without getting into issues of consent there's some things that can be discussed here. (I think there's a thin line that covers what consent might be and mostly it's saying 'yes' to something, regardless of whether the rules might be changed along the way. The thin line covers very few of the broader issues - that someone is too drunk to say yes - or that someone doesn't say yes but it's thought to be implied by their presence - or that someone just doesn't ask in the first place and assumes they can just have what they want regardless of the other party. Or that someone does actually want to very deeply harm the person they have in front of them

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