After last night's post I have realised a few more things... it's amazing how this process of writing and sharing can help to release the knowledge that had been built up under the system and not yet been seen.
Many of the issues I'm facing right now stem directly from that inner-child part of me that never had the chance to be fulfilled. The emotional destructiveness of my situation has meant that I haven't been able to fully grasp knowledge and information to share with myself. As such, my inner-child tends to block projects that I, as an adult, recognise that I can gain fulfillment from. I have spent a good part of the last 10 or 12 years trying to figure out just what I want to do with my life. I'm now in the process of setting up my own business but am completely unable to let myself just go with the flow of it. I have to keep jamming it up so that I am not making any money and therefore cannot let go of the admin job that is faux-security to that child part of me.. it has my parents approval after all. This work is something that my parents thought I should aspire to. It's mind-numbingly boring and soul destroying (why can't they see this?). I can't seem to let go of the fact that I will disappoint them if I step out on my own and go through with my business... I know they wont approve of the core of my business and they have real problems with the hardwork of being self-employed even though they are.
What I have discovered in the past 24 hours is that because that little-girl part of me has been so hurt and so unable to actually share what she felt, she has kept blocking my path in order to let me know that there is something not right. Something that I haven't released and which now needs to be seen. I feel an intense anger whenever I sit down to do any work. I have known the cause - my parents and their disapproval, I thought. I am a bad daughter for wanting more than they said I could have, more than my fair share perhaps. Afterall, how dare I reach for the glory of knowing my own stregnths! I can see it all more clearly now and it's more than their disapproval of wanting to be more than they saw for me (what they see is safe and secure and I can't offend anyone with it - no one will point at them and say 'did you know their daughter...').
If I carry what I shared last night into this business and do not fully release it, then I am putting myself in a difficult situation as that emotional destructiveness is incredibly draining. It sucks the life out of me as it sits there unknown and unseen. All I get is anger and regret that I'm not good enough to do all these things that I want to do. I wonder how many of us have these incredible draining child-hood experiences that just haven't been able to air themselves and are causing us to feel we are useless, when in fact, they simply need to see the light of day, be released and that pressure will be gone. Of course, it may not be just that simple... I've spent the last couple of years rediscovering what I want from life and putting in motion all the things that need to happen...but it can happen...
It's strange how when we look away from ourselves things just unravel. What I mean is that once I decided that all this needed to be air more publicly than just in my own head, I found that things began to flow more easily for me because I sensed that people have their own lives and their own problems and what I can share may be of assistance. That may sound a little conceited and it may well be. But the truth is we, as humans, are buried under our need to stay indoors, to stay shut away just in case any one thinks badly of us or in case we really are odd afterall, maybe we're just insane and everyone will laugh at us if we share a little of our insides with them.
We need to know that we are loved, so we stay with the security of not sharing. But I honestly don't give a shit anymore because all this burying and hiding has caused more destructive behaviour than I can share in this page. That little-girl part of me has been ruining everything that I've touched for quite some time. She's led me into shitty relationships, she turned my life upside down with rape, she's led me to hide that incident in order to feel safe from other people's blame and she's ruined my first attempts at self-employment and causing me to go bankrupt...why? Because she never felt safe standing out in the crowd, or even in her own space. And as I wanted more, she wanted to kick and scream her pain even louder because I just wasn't hearing it, even under the weight of all these messages. I had successfully buried my childhood pain so far down that I couldn't bear it be touched... until it snapped and came to light in the public eye as I wrote last night (it is a strange dichotomy of life). Now she is seen, not just by me but by many and I can't help but wonder whether she wanted to share this publicly so others could know that the feeling they get when some creepy person looks at them wrong is actually real and should be acknowledged - we are all psychic on some level, regardless of whether we use it consciously. We do know what others are thinking and this causes us to act or speak or think in many different wants - sometimes we just don't know that what we are doing has cause in another person's actions... to hear what another thinks and not know it is there, can make their fear feel very much like our own (more on this in later posts as I feel it's important to share more knowledge about it).
Whilst that older part of me wanted success, the inner-child wanted safety and security. She couldn't say it because she didn't understand what that was, but now I can say that I am experiencing for the first time someone in my life who I feel secure around and I can see what she's been trying to tell me all this time. She can't move on and let success into her life because she isn't safe, she needed this to be addressed first and foremost. She never was safe - not in the sense of personal space or comfort. I can also sense now that safety is not what I thought it was - it's not the physical presence of someone or the physical comfort of a person (as I had always relied on that physical boyfriend to protect me but it never really worked, not on a deep enough level anyway). Rather it's a knowledge of acceptance and the surity that this person wont care if I fall over along the way, or even if I'm emotionally screwed up - they are here regardless because it's the core of myself that they appreciate.
My parents - the parent's of that little-girl - needed comfort in knowing that their daughter was appropriate, that she would do things that did not disappointment them and which would ensure that everybody knew they were good people. Rather than trying to assert that for themselves they used their children. The additional problem of my father's roaming eye/sexuality and my subsequent discomfort doubled the issues that I faced as a child and which continue today.
The problem with all this knowledge sharing and releasing however is that it's not yet dealing with my need to rush and succeed whilst also knowing that I'm going too fast. She, the little girl, is still very hurt and I'm very frustrated by my lack of ability to move through this. I want to just let go and move on but she has so much to say before I can do that. I'm in a rush - perhaps I just want to get away from her because I don't want to feel the hurt anymore. I can't stand the sight and image of myself as a child not knowing what to do with my father's gaze. A part of me knows that he, perhaps, wasn't intending me to be hurt by it and another part wants to murder him for being so fucking stupid. How could he? I can't get past this as an adult, let alone thinking about how a child and teenager who was trying to discover what sexuality was, could possibly move on or let it pass. He is hurt, I know that. He was hurt by his parents and he's acting out some part, possibly he's not fully conscious of it, which represents his broken feelings about his body and sexuality (I have to say it's also a strange feeling talking about one's father in this way - I feel as though my parent's are becoming human beings to me through this blog rather than parents. Perhaps this is a good thing for the time being).
Anyway, I think that in all ways this is a very difficult situation for many of us. We can't let go of the past because there are so many issues tied up in it and we can't move on because we haven't let go. I think there's only one way to deal with this and that's one day at a time, but that annoys the hell out of me. I want more from life and I want it now!!! Again, an outcome of parents who didn't understand that people grow and change over time. They just wanted perfection from a child who didn't understand what perfection might be and certainly didn't have them as role-models to show her (except perhaps from my mother's ability to have a perfectly well ordered house, but here I be being a little cynical and harsh).
So, I rush hoping perfection is there somewhere under the surface and wanting people to appreciate me for what I'm doing. In reality neither the perfection nor the appreciation are real. They are just outcomes of needing more than my parents could give me and my parents demanding these things from me because they couldn't obtain them for themselves - as they too had been taught that these two things were the core of all existence. They know that life is meant to be easy - I am beginning to know that life is meant to be about growing and learning and that is not always easy. So I have no space with them to just be myself and let myself grow and learn (though I am cynical and harsh behind their backs) - I rush instead and hope to prove to them just how wrong they are...that I can do it... that I never needed them anyway...
I can't win really, not until I let go of their faults and begin to accept my own including that little-girl who can't be loved because she is intrinsically bad for bringing such rotten behaviour upon herself - strange that I can blame myself for my father looking at me in inappropriate ways even as a child... how did I know that this was such a bad thing for me to do??
I can just let go piece by piece and these recognitions of self will continue to come to me... and I am grateful also that I now have a release for all this frustration rather than continuing to shit on myself...sorry, but it's an appropriate analogy...
Add Comments
Read More
Comments (3)
