Anger
March 10th 2009 01:49
I think the problem with anger is that it is so intertwined with sadness most of us can't pull ourselves out of it and make life what we actually want it to be...
I say this because there's a lot of things going on in my life that seem to be inextricably linked to sadness that just can't be defined....
Anger rises because the sadness is sitting there undissolved by my attention to it...
I'm not sure how to approach this but it seems to me that until it is approached I will just be angry that my life isn't the way I want it to be - abundant: money, love, money...
I'm sure that most of this inability to look and dissolve comes from an upbringing where my mother was completely unavailable emotionally to myself, my father and my siblings. She just didn't know what emotions were - or what to do with them. When we wanted comfort she stepped away... not that she was uncaring at all, far from it, but she really didn't know what to do with our feelings of being hurt or being sad or just needing a little comfort or support... she could nurture us physically but not emotionally or even mentally – her need to be recognized did not allow other opinions in the household at all…she struggled with this intensely and whilst I do my best to say that I'm not like her(!) I am it seems...
Sometimes we need to go back to our roots to get to the bottom of the issue, but this seems incredibly hard hence my inability to approach it before now. It's funny how writing something like this can really unravel those thoughts so that you find a way into it...
I see now that the issue is not so much my inability to speak out about how I feel but to look a little further at how my mother interacted with my emotions, and how this taught me to shut them off also. I doubt that there is any real blame underlying all this... I'm just angry with my life and hence want to turn the blame to someone else - like my mother. But then this doesn't mean that she didn't play a part in it either. She did...
How is it that we are not taught to be a little more emotive about life. There are so many up and downs that occur for all of us, yet we struggle to make anything of it. Just hit the streets of Sydney and you'll see how many angry people there really are out there - mostly I would say, like me, who can't define what they feel so they turn it on themselves and rage comes pouring out...
It's obscene really. But then again I can't hide my anger any more - it just comes pouring out too - because it needs to. I need to see it...
Of course, this doesn't justify hurting anyone else in any way, but it does allow me to express something that's been bottled up for a long time. And I'm talking here about snapping at people, telling people to 'do it themselves' and basically trying to define my boundaries. This shouldn't be something that is expressed through anger, but it should be something that's allowed to be expressed from day one of our lives. We are each individuals who will experience life very differently but somehow we are told that we need to experience the life that everyone else does – often this is to not look within but to consume instead: consume life, consume things, consume our emotions and ultimately be consumed by all of this so that we are completely helpless, hopeless and unable to function in a happy and productive way….
In this respect some of us wind up living on the streets, and others simply live life devoid of joy, success, hope or relationships with others that are emotionally free and joyous… like most of mind have been…
The point of all this yarning above is to say that really we think we are at the top of the pile but we aren’t, we human beings have a great deal to learn about what life is and how to engage with it rather than being enraged by it…
In the meantime, I need to sit down with my own emotions and have a round table discussion with them in order to find out the best path forward…And I think the way to do that is to settle myself somewhere comfortable and allow my emotions to speak to me no matter what they say, and to listen because they have control right now and I don’t like what they are saying to me.
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