God
March 6th 2009 03:47
I seem to think that God blames me for many things that have gone wrong in my life. The trouble growing up with a catholic mother I think...she always thought to blame me when something went wrong in her life - God cursed her with a child who was not worthy of acceptance or perhaps even love because I didn't conform with societies or religious ideals - no sex before marriage, no abortion, no clothing that was too revealing... not that I even had to do these things to be a disappointment to her I just had to accept that they were a part of society - and, more importantly, that people had free choice. She didn't believe in free choice - she believed in communicating what the priest had told her was most important for you - to be consciously limited and unsure of yourself!!
This is how I grew up - being told not to think for myself but to assess everything based on what she thought - I supposed that's how she grew up too. I don't see the point in living like this, the problem is that I do. As I said in yesterday's post I don't really see how angry I am because I was told my whole life not to think about myself but to present a happy, elegant, conforming image of myself so as not to rock the boat - who's boat I don't know. I'm guessing my mother's. She seemed to have a image of the world as being a place of judgment. I guess that this came from the church - God is judging you right now so you'd better just do what he wants. But who's to say what 'He' wants - I doubt very much that the priests she wanted to impress had any fucking idea what it was like to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a daughter for that matter.
Actually I think the self-righteousness of which my mother took part, was so limiting to her that she continues to be unable to define herself, or express herself. Her insecurities are intense and I can see them now in a way that I couldn't growing up. This caused lot of trauma because I wanted to be accepted by her but I couldn't be accepted if I was to be myself, ie much more liberal than her. So here I am. I have no real idea of who I am - I know who I'm supposed to be. but who I'm supposed to be doesn't actually exist in the 'real' world - where people struggle to be happy, assured and abundant. Who I'm expected to be is actually not at all who I am - safe, confident, happy but also conforming, demanding (not commanding - she didn't know what this was and I doubt the church does either), settled (mortgage etc), secure ( a nice relationship with a nice man that doesn't contradict her sense of a relationship - not sure that this will work for me either), and most of all loving.
But, you know, I never got love for being who I was so how the fuck am I supposed to love anyone else...?????
The catholic church can't subscribe to the idea of a love that also judges and expect to convey a sense of warmth and compassion to people. In fact the church can't even convey a sense of love to it's own members. To be a priest and remain 'married to God' - yet not to know the love of a real marriage or partnership is a complete denial of what God (the God I understand) has sent us - partnership... if only we knew how to go about it!
We live in a society that is so evolved in terms of creating space for partnerships - weddings, weekends away, therapy... yet the church denies the very people who are supposed to be conveying God's message to us a place within society. As I've said before, to deny something like sexuality is to allow it to turn ugly... so too are we allowing our emotions about love to turn ugly, to turn inwards and even to turn outwards in a violent expression if we are not allowed to love ourselves. So, the church, in my life and to my mind, has a lot to answer for!
This is how I grew up - being told not to think for myself but to assess everything based on what she thought - I supposed that's how she grew up too. I don't see the point in living like this, the problem is that I do. As I said in yesterday's post I don't really see how angry I am because I was told my whole life not to think about myself but to present a happy, elegant, conforming image of myself so as not to rock the boat - who's boat I don't know. I'm guessing my mother's. She seemed to have a image of the world as being a place of judgment. I guess that this came from the church - God is judging you right now so you'd better just do what he wants. But who's to say what 'He' wants - I doubt very much that the priests she wanted to impress had any fucking idea what it was like to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a daughter for that matter.
Actually I think the self-righteousness of which my mother took part, was so limiting to her that she continues to be unable to define herself, or express herself. Her insecurities are intense and I can see them now in a way that I couldn't growing up. This caused lot of trauma because I wanted to be accepted by her but I couldn't be accepted if I was to be myself, ie much more liberal than her. So here I am. I have no real idea of who I am - I know who I'm supposed to be. but who I'm supposed to be doesn't actually exist in the 'real' world - where people struggle to be happy, assured and abundant. Who I'm expected to be is actually not at all who I am - safe, confident, happy but also conforming, demanding (not commanding - she didn't know what this was and I doubt the church does either), settled (mortgage etc), secure ( a nice relationship with a nice man that doesn't contradict her sense of a relationship - not sure that this will work for me either), and most of all loving.
But, you know, I never got love for being who I was so how the fuck am I supposed to love anyone else...?????
The catholic church can't subscribe to the idea of a love that also judges and expect to convey a sense of warmth and compassion to people. In fact the church can't even convey a sense of love to it's own members. To be a priest and remain 'married to God' - yet not to know the love of a real marriage or partnership is a complete denial of what God (the God I understand) has sent us - partnership... if only we knew how to go about it!
We live in a society that is so evolved in terms of creating space for partnerships - weddings, weekends away, therapy... yet the church denies the very people who are supposed to be conveying God's message to us a place within society. As I've said before, to deny something like sexuality is to allow it to turn ugly... so too are we allowing our emotions about love to turn ugly, to turn inwards and even to turn outwards in a violent expression if we are not allowed to love ourselves. So, the church, in my life and to my mind, has a lot to answer for!
| 90 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
