Me...
October 26th 2010 12:26
Hmmm... so I've been guided back to my blog...
What to write? I have long felt guided in what I do even before the whole psychic thing came into play, I felt that I was being led somewhere - as a child and a teenager there was a sense of resilience behind my life that I didn't understand or actively use but something that just kept pushing me along.
I would now suggest this was both my own soul energy and my Spirit Guides too. So it's not strange to me anymore that I would be 'told' to come back and write again because I need to voice some things and get them off my chest.
The problem is knowing where to start, I often get lost here because there is so much to say, none of it is particularly connected, at least not in my mind, and it's also rather depressing. Not that I would call my life depressing but parts of it certainly are and these are the parts I am usually guided to write about. The feeling being that most people have shit in their lives that they don't talk about but do need to hear about in order to feel ok or normal.
Which is I guess why I write about sexual assault. I found that people I told, in person, left my life - some of them quickly and others slowly. But every person I've told disappeared and the more I ponder this the more I see just how incredibly weird our society is when it comes to these things.
I can see that firstly they didn't really want to know about it. And if they did try to care in the beginning, it was loose and floppy care. The didn't really talk about but waited for me to say something and then pretended like they were there. But they didn't understand, couldn't understand and didn't make any real effort to see it all from where I was standing.
Part of me thinks that blame is the biggest part of this - we are so ingrained in the blame game that it's automatically turned on when something like this comes to the surface. It's an auto-switch in our consciousness, we have for so long been bombarded with stories about blaming the victim that we haven't actually evolved past this.
There are obviously some very fab people in the world who aren't like this, who have grown past this and work with rape victims, represent them in court, heal them, nurture them etc...
Another part of me understands something far worse than blame. The Shame of It All. I can see my own ability to feel so incredibly shamed by what happened to me that I need to retreat so far into myself that I just disappear from view and these people I've told no longer have a friend that they can hang onto, communicate with, or be there for because she's gone!!
And the Shame of It All is weird.
Not my fault, I know that. Wasn't caring for myself and protecting myself, know that too. But I am so sure that everyone else wants to blame me - and they have proven this too - that I buy in, in a very holistic way. Technically, I know that I didn't ask this guy to rape me - this simple stuff really. But on the other hand, just how much can I place myself in the centre of this and work my way outwards - well, I did talk to him, and then I also accepted a drink from him...hmm maybe it was my fault. Huh?! Not to mention that he actually put something in my drink to knock me out... well, there you have it must be all me. I can't be trusted... shouldn't leave the house, can't speak for myself, not allowed to move, make a mistake, make a decision, or even say 'not my fault', because it just is.
What I find really horrific about this story, other than the fact that a part of me believes it, is that we as a society buy into this. A part of me and a part of all my friends, bought into this. Don't get me wrong, I don't think they meant to be slighting my character, but a part of them always needed to ask - why didn't you... or ask what was I thinking or how did I get myself into that situation.
I also see another part of this story that has arisen with the so called New Age movement (new to what?)... we have a massive capacity to suggest to ourselves, and this permeates a large part of society, that we somehow brought this on ourselves - perhaps to learn something, or because we were just so negative. Then again there's the God's Will Movement, God determines, and the wonderful saying 'there but for the grace of God go I' - exactly what did I do wrong to not get God's graces that night?!
One thing I have learned through this is that people can't be trusted - and I'll through myself in here too because I seem to buy into the same stories as all those friends - rape is the only crime where the victim is expected to defend themselves - even outside the courtroom.
We are not good, kind and loving people. We are not accepting, graceful or grateful either. Underneath it all we are subject to, and subject ourselves to blame and shame. It's not surprising that Humanity is so adept at war, fear-mongering and even rape itself.
We have little heart but we need to find it now before we really do turn even further backwards than we already are.
What to write? I have long felt guided in what I do even before the whole psychic thing came into play, I felt that I was being led somewhere - as a child and a teenager there was a sense of resilience behind my life that I didn't understand or actively use but something that just kept pushing me along.
I would now suggest this was both my own soul energy and my Spirit Guides too. So it's not strange to me anymore that I would be 'told' to come back and write again because I need to voice some things and get them off my chest.
The problem is knowing where to start, I often get lost here because there is so much to say, none of it is particularly connected, at least not in my mind, and it's also rather depressing. Not that I would call my life depressing but parts of it certainly are and these are the parts I am usually guided to write about. The feeling being that most people have shit in their lives that they don't talk about but do need to hear about in order to feel ok or normal.
Which is I guess why I write about sexual assault. I found that people I told, in person, left my life - some of them quickly and others slowly. But every person I've told disappeared and the more I ponder this the more I see just how incredibly weird our society is when it comes to these things.
I can see that firstly they didn't really want to know about it. And if they did try to care in the beginning, it was loose and floppy care. The didn't really talk about but waited for me to say something and then pretended like they were there. But they didn't understand, couldn't understand and didn't make any real effort to see it all from where I was standing.
Part of me thinks that blame is the biggest part of this - we are so ingrained in the blame game that it's automatically turned on when something like this comes to the surface. It's an auto-switch in our consciousness, we have for so long been bombarded with stories about blaming the victim that we haven't actually evolved past this.
There are obviously some very fab people in the world who aren't like this, who have grown past this and work with rape victims, represent them in court, heal them, nurture them etc...
Another part of me understands something far worse than blame. The Shame of It All. I can see my own ability to feel so incredibly shamed by what happened to me that I need to retreat so far into myself that I just disappear from view and these people I've told no longer have a friend that they can hang onto, communicate with, or be there for because she's gone!!
And the Shame of It All is weird.
Not my fault, I know that. Wasn't caring for myself and protecting myself, know that too. But I am so sure that everyone else wants to blame me - and they have proven this too - that I buy in, in a very holistic way. Technically, I know that I didn't ask this guy to rape me - this simple stuff really. But on the other hand, just how much can I place myself in the centre of this and work my way outwards - well, I did talk to him, and then I also accepted a drink from him...hmm maybe it was my fault. Huh?! Not to mention that he actually put something in my drink to knock me out... well, there you have it must be all me. I can't be trusted... shouldn't leave the house, can't speak for myself, not allowed to move, make a mistake, make a decision, or even say 'not my fault', because it just is.
What I find really horrific about this story, other than the fact that a part of me believes it, is that we as a society buy into this. A part of me and a part of all my friends, bought into this. Don't get me wrong, I don't think they meant to be slighting my character, but a part of them always needed to ask - why didn't you... or ask what was I thinking or how did I get myself into that situation.
I also see another part of this story that has arisen with the so called New Age movement (new to what?)... we have a massive capacity to suggest to ourselves, and this permeates a large part of society, that we somehow brought this on ourselves - perhaps to learn something, or because we were just so negative. Then again there's the God's Will Movement, God determines, and the wonderful saying 'there but for the grace of God go I' - exactly what did I do wrong to not get God's graces that night?!
One thing I have learned through this is that people can't be trusted - and I'll through myself in here too because I seem to buy into the same stories as all those friends - rape is the only crime where the victim is expected to defend themselves - even outside the courtroom.
We are not good, kind and loving people. We are not accepting, graceful or grateful either. Underneath it all we are subject to, and subject ourselves to blame and shame. It's not surprising that Humanity is so adept at war, fear-mongering and even rape itself.
We have little heart but we need to find it now before we really do turn even further backwards than we already are.
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