Money issues
January 12th 2011 07:37
I suspect that many people who have experienced any kind of sexual assault have money issues - there is often a need to self-limit through anger after such an event.
I have read and experienced just how much I need to limit myself through shame and fear, and only now 12 years later am I beginning to unravel it. I can't believe how little faith I have in myself... such a catastrophic event to have occurred. But I'm fine, I tell myself. It's just my outward facing life - lack of money, need to push people away and the like, that provides a little perspective on how fine I really am.
What's weird I guess is also how successful I am beginning to feel. My blog posts, though sporadic, really do unravel heaps of stuff for me. Just writing, as I do - whatever comes to mind - helps me dig into the subconscious and pull out what limits me.
I am in a strange space of being very limited and completely unlimited right now - I hate people sometimes, but love them intensely too. I have nothing but I have everything. I am calm and completely crazy. Maybe I am just human!!! LOL!!!
I guess I am wondering today at the deeper anger that I hold within. The parts that see my attempting to control my space so much that I don't reach out to people as I once might have. Or the ways that I am weary when I am around people. Then again I also suspect this is a good thing. I have very much shifted my perspective of people. I don't want to judge people without any reason, but then I do already.
So strange this place I am in tonight. I feel that I am shifting a lifetime of confusion by releasing I am ok regardless of how stupid I feel...!! "Getting myself into that particular situation" hasn't proved to have limited me - not now that I am talking about it anyway. Not now that I am listening to those parts of myself that were scared before it happened. I guess that the biggest part of this for me, is not just what happened but what happened afterwards.
That I had to shut the incident out of my mind for so many years because I couldn't possibly let my mother find out, or my father...
It's strange because I would not have told them, but I felt they would just know. So my wonderful saviour-mind just buried it. How intense though that I would be more scared of my parents finding out than of dealing with it. I remember very clearly understanding what had happened and that I needed to get help from someone. A friend came to mind, counseling came to mind (thank God for Dolly Magazine for telling me counseling was required in such situations and that it was ok, it wasn't my fault!!) but then the thought struck. If I attempt to deal with this, my mother will know that I am upset about something and she will hurt me even more than what just happened. I zipped it up so effectively that I didn't remember for 3 years.
The friend who I had originally thought of telling, turned out to me useless to me when I did eventually tell her. That sounds really harsh and is probably indicative of my anger at her still - she wanted me to do something about it because he might be harmed other women. I don't regret this view, but I didn't know his name so that wasn't helpful. It was also complicated, he was a guest at a wedding of someone I was then friends with. Do you drag it down to that level?
I wonder how much I really blame myself as I write that last sentence...
Anyway, she pushed me and I now dislike her a great deal. I haven't spoken to her a long time but she suddenly out of the blue contacted me this week... so strange. I don't feel a connection with her anymore even though we had known each other 20 years. Maybe that will change. But I feel this real, social pressure to be a good, respectable person and accept her offer of a coffee once again. But I can't do that. I don't like her anymore.
Our friendship dissolved when I got into spiritual work and found that I wanted to do anything I could to keep her out of this space I had developed for myself, I didn't want her there at all - It was mine, damn it. She wasn't welcome. I found at that time that so many of my friends seemed to be taking so much from me that I had to protect my spiritual work at all costs - I just cut them out of my life.
Jesus, how much had I given to them?!!! I really despised them of this. But I found myself pulling away from this particular friend, and tried to explain to her that everything in my life was shifting. I didn't want to cut her loose, I owed her something, I felt. But then she turned on me and accused me of something completely random. What a bitch!
She turned up on my doorstep at 7am, and made her accusation saying that I was different and that I wasn't allowed to say what I had said about her boyfriend...(I hadn't been aware of saying anything about her boyfriend, but there you go) I told her she was in deep need of healing - probably not helpful considering she didn't appreciate my perspective that there was something wrong with her and not just me!! She left after I told her I needed time to think and I didn't contact her again. Another friend (the one and only who survived that particular cull), the apparent recipient of my horrid comments about the boyfriend, told me that she had been contacted with the same accusation had been thrown about again, which this wonderful friend swiftly denied.
I don't know but why on earth would I want to be friends with her again? Preceding this particular event I had been very aware of her anger at me - the backstabbing and the craziness - and of my real need to protect myself from her. What had she been doing that I need protection of. I wasn't even sure until more recently...
She demanded everything for her and never ever gave back what I gave her. A product of her upbringing I am sure, to be so selfish. However, I had been so completely fucking blind to this particular trait in people that I surrounded myself with them... all of my friends only ever thought about themselves. I wonder if I did that/do that?? Or was it that they needed me because I gave so much to them and asked for nothing in return. Certainly the case with my mother - she aggressed me, my clothes, my choices at every possible change and I didn't complain (yes I dislike her too - though I kind of forgive her now too... it's a time- needing process that one).
So, guess I'm angry...
Right now I want to send that friend a 'fuck-u' email but might wait it out - they never seem to work out for me. She may well have a reasonable need to rage at me too, and that just wont work out for my anger - it needs the last word...
I have read and experienced just how much I need to limit myself through shame and fear, and only now 12 years later am I beginning to unravel it. I can't believe how little faith I have in myself... such a catastrophic event to have occurred. But I'm fine, I tell myself. It's just my outward facing life - lack of money, need to push people away and the like, that provides a little perspective on how fine I really am.
I am in a strange space of being very limited and completely unlimited right now - I hate people sometimes, but love them intensely too. I have nothing but I have everything. I am calm and completely crazy. Maybe I am just human!!! LOL!!!
I guess I am wondering today at the deeper anger that I hold within. The parts that see my attempting to control my space so much that I don't reach out to people as I once might have. Or the ways that I am weary when I am around people. Then again I also suspect this is a good thing. I have very much shifted my perspective of people. I don't want to judge people without any reason, but then I do already.
So strange this place I am in tonight. I feel that I am shifting a lifetime of confusion by releasing I am ok regardless of how stupid I feel...!! "Getting myself into that particular situation" hasn't proved to have limited me - not now that I am talking about it anyway. Not now that I am listening to those parts of myself that were scared before it happened. I guess that the biggest part of this for me, is not just what happened but what happened afterwards.
That I had to shut the incident out of my mind for so many years because I couldn't possibly let my mother find out, or my father...
It's strange because I would not have told them, but I felt they would just know. So my wonderful saviour-mind just buried it. How intense though that I would be more scared of my parents finding out than of dealing with it. I remember very clearly understanding what had happened and that I needed to get help from someone. A friend came to mind, counseling came to mind (thank God for Dolly Magazine for telling me counseling was required in such situations and that it was ok, it wasn't my fault!!) but then the thought struck. If I attempt to deal with this, my mother will know that I am upset about something and she will hurt me even more than what just happened. I zipped it up so effectively that I didn't remember for 3 years.
The friend who I had originally thought of telling, turned out to me useless to me when I did eventually tell her. That sounds really harsh and is probably indicative of my anger at her still - she wanted me to do something about it because he might be harmed other women. I don't regret this view, but I didn't know his name so that wasn't helpful. It was also complicated, he was a guest at a wedding of someone I was then friends with. Do you drag it down to that level?
I wonder how much I really blame myself as I write that last sentence...
Anyway, she pushed me and I now dislike her a great deal. I haven't spoken to her a long time but she suddenly out of the blue contacted me this week... so strange. I don't feel a connection with her anymore even though we had known each other 20 years. Maybe that will change. But I feel this real, social pressure to be a good, respectable person and accept her offer of a coffee once again. But I can't do that. I don't like her anymore.
Our friendship dissolved when I got into spiritual work and found that I wanted to do anything I could to keep her out of this space I had developed for myself, I didn't want her there at all - It was mine, damn it. She wasn't welcome. I found at that time that so many of my friends seemed to be taking so much from me that I had to protect my spiritual work at all costs - I just cut them out of my life.
Jesus, how much had I given to them?!!! I really despised them of this. But I found myself pulling away from this particular friend, and tried to explain to her that everything in my life was shifting. I didn't want to cut her loose, I owed her something, I felt. But then she turned on me and accused me of something completely random. What a bitch!
She turned up on my doorstep at 7am, and made her accusation saying that I was different and that I wasn't allowed to say what I had said about her boyfriend...(I hadn't been aware of saying anything about her boyfriend, but there you go) I told her she was in deep need of healing - probably not helpful considering she didn't appreciate my perspective that there was something wrong with her and not just me!! She left after I told her I needed time to think and I didn't contact her again. Another friend (the one and only who survived that particular cull), the apparent recipient of my horrid comments about the boyfriend, told me that she had been contacted with the same accusation had been thrown about again, which this wonderful friend swiftly denied.
I don't know but why on earth would I want to be friends with her again? Preceding this particular event I had been very aware of her anger at me - the backstabbing and the craziness - and of my real need to protect myself from her. What had she been doing that I need protection of. I wasn't even sure until more recently...
She demanded everything for her and never ever gave back what I gave her. A product of her upbringing I am sure, to be so selfish. However, I had been so completely fucking blind to this particular trait in people that I surrounded myself with them... all of my friends only ever thought about themselves. I wonder if I did that/do that?? Or was it that they needed me because I gave so much to them and asked for nothing in return. Certainly the case with my mother - she aggressed me, my clothes, my choices at every possible change and I didn't complain (yes I dislike her too - though I kind of forgive her now too... it's a time- needing process that one).
So, guess I'm angry...
Right now I want to send that friend a 'fuck-u' email but might wait it out - they never seem to work out for me. She may well have a reasonable need to rage at me too, and that just wont work out for my anger - it needs the last word...
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